An Evening Visit

DOCTOR WHO-fanfic. It was supposed to be a quiet evening on Paternoster row, but when you're friends with a time-traveller, anything can happen.
(MADAM VASTRA/JENNY, with brief mention of the DOCTOR/RIVER SONG)

Read AN EVENING VISIT

Disclaimer: Madam Vastra, Jenny Flint and the other characters from Doctor Who all belong to BBC and perhaps some other people as well, unfortunately I have no clue. Once again thank you Moffat and co for creating the sword-slinging Silurian Detective and her lovely wife, please be kind enough to give us more of them? Like a series of their very own? ^_^




An Evening Visit
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by Carola “Ryûchan” Eriksson




It started out as such an ordinary day on Paternoster row. Not even the Great Detective had cases all the time, so on this particular day Vastra, Jenny and Strax were enjoying some peaceful time at home, all gathered in front of Vastra’s favourite fireplace.

The most adventurous thing that had happened so far that day was that when Jenny entered the room she found Vastra fully engaged in her latest fashion attempt – wearing spectacles while she read. It was not that she needed them, oh no, Vastra had perfect Silurian vision, far superior to that of any mammal, she merely thought they might make her look more elegant while engaged in a book in front of the fire.

Vastra did not, however, have ears to hang the delicate golden contraption from.

After growing tired of watching her wife struggle with the spectacles, Jenny finally told Vastra that she was being a silly old lizard, removed the glasses and gave them to Strax. Before her wife could begin to pout and be upset, Jenny then sat in her lap and proceeded to tell her of all the many ways in which Vastra was elegant and beautiful all in her own self, and how she needed no enhancing trinkets to show that. This, interspersed with kisses and giggles, carried on for quite some time.

Strax paid it no mind, used to such behaviour from the two women by now, and instead inspected the glasses thoroughly before removing the lenses, twisting and reshaping the frame into something else before reattaching the lenses. With a satisfied nod he then lumbered up the stairs with his new creation, to continue his latest crafting project in his own room where he had a box of similarly reworked supplies – his loot, as Jenny called it. All manner of bits and bobs ended up there, to either be remade into simple – and often unfinished – weaponry, or into small figures and resources for his strategy board.

One never knew when they might need one, Strax figured, for unplanned declarations of war or conquest. In the meantime he practiced strategies on it, only to be better prepared when the day came, of course.

When she found out about it Jenny had taken to giving Strax little things for his strategy board every once in a while. It pleased him that she understood and approved of the need to be prepared. For the holiday of Crisis-mass Strax had even received from her an entire box of tiny tin soldiers, perfect for creating human armies with. And once she saw the painted wooden crocodile in a doll dress that Strax used to represent Vastra with, Jenny took great care and effort into making small representations of herself, Vastra and Strax to give him. The crocodile she threw into the fireplace and made Strax promise to never tell Vastra about.

It was into this tableau, with Strax tinkering away in his room and Vastra and Jenny snuggling on the couch, that the Tardis silently materialised.

Vastra and Jenny barely had the time turn to stare at the blue construction that suddenly appeared in the corner of the room, before the door was flung open and the Doctor hurled himself through to a multitude of whistling, hooting and jingling.

“Vastra! Jenny!” He cheered loudly, flinging his arms out and blowing once again on the strange contraption hung around his neck that hooted and whistled. “Congratulations!” He tossed the instrument over his shoulder and peered around at the room. “Am I early?”

“No matter!” Grinning wildly he scurried back and pulled out a trolley overloaded with things from inside the Tardis. “See, I brought supplies!”

He undid the strings to a pair of pink balloons and bounded over to Vastra, who was too stunned to do anything but stand there obediently as he placed one balloon in each of her hands, and then he hugged her.

“Always the dark horse, you old rogue!” He laughed and clasped her shoulder in camaraderie, and managed to fasten a shiny purple party hat, complete with tiny stars and tinsel, upon her head before stepping back. “Always doing the impossible.”

“And you...” He turned to Jenny and took her face in both hands as both his voice and his expression gentled. “Bless.” He murmured and kissed the top of her head.

As Jenny twitched slightly in confusion yet still did her best to put on a brave smile – and Vastra glared at the Doctor for taking liberties with her wife – the happy man spun about and placed a matching set of pink balloons into Jenny’s hands, and a sparkly pink hat on her head.

“There!” He declared, admiring his handiwork. “Now the two of you look the part, at least.” He pulled the trolley forward a bit, gesturing to it with pride. “I brought all the decorations needed, and party hats to go around. Oh, and wait ‘til you see the cake!” He waved back at the open Tardis door. “It is just the coolest.”

He pranced around until he could lay an arm around each of their shoulders before continuing with great enthusiasm. “I’ve gotten bubbly that really bubbles and fizzy drinks that really fizzle, and a pudding that dances the Macarena!” He released them and rubbed his hands. “It is rainbow chocolate and toffee flavoured.”

“Oh, almost forgot!” He dashed back to the cart and rummaged around in one of the boxes. “Aha! There.” He came back over to Jenny and, while hiding something in one hand, gently cupped one of hers with the other. “I got this for the lady of the hour.”

Into Jenny’s hand he placed a palm-sized green egg made from some rubbery material. It tinkled slightly as it was jostled, a tiny bell-like sound.

Jenny and Vastra both stared at it with round eyes. As the moment grew long and neither woman spoke or outwardly reacted, the Doctor’s wide grin began to falter, and he fidgeted.

“Well,” He tried and scratched his head. “it’s just a little toy. It wobbles. And there’s this... sound.”

“Um, Doctor?” Jenny asked meekly, still holding the little toy egg as if it was something fragile.

“There will be presents of course, real prezzies, a bit later.” His cheerfulness picked back up.

“Doctor?” Vastra tried instead.

“River is supposed to bring ‘em. In fact...” He frowned a little and looked around. “I thought she’d be here by now.”

“Doctor!”

He took a closer look at Jenny. “Say, you certainly slimmed up fast.” Appearing to realize that he might just have blundered into a sensitive subject he started to grimace and wave his hands about. “I mean, not that you were big before... at least not that big...”

“DOCTOR!”

“What! Yes! What?” He all but snapped to attention at Vastra’s bellow, but just as quickly relaxed his posture again, looking at them in confusion.

“Wha... why...” Vastra sighed and tried to gather herself. “What is going on here?”

He looked at them, tilted his head to the side and scratched at it again. “Your baby shower, of course. Or, hatchling shower. Or... egg shower, no that sounds bad – the celebration of your baby soon being in the world... thingy.”

The women in the room blinked slowly while the Doctor waited, unusually patient for him, in silence for them to speak.

“Doctor...” Jenny managed after a while, speaking slowly and carefully. “’ave you ‘it your ‘ead recently? What baby?”

“Yours and Vastra’s, of course.”

“But... you know that’s not possible.” Jenny looked at Vastra, bewildered. “’E knows that’s not possible, right?”

“Hey, it’s not like I had anything to do with it.” He protested mildly. “You two did your... humanly silurianly... thingy, and some time later, out pops little Eggwardine and I’m an uncle, and...”

Jenny mouthed ‘Eggwardine’ with a touch of horror, while Vastra snorted a bit in frustration.

“Doctor, you know that Jenny and I cannot have a child together.” She sounded a bit testy, but the slight, not all human, twitching movement she did with her head betrayed that the subject was one that pained her. “Silurians and humans are completely different species, for one.”

“Pishposh, oooh, nice word that, pishposh, I’ll have to use that more often...” He gave Vastra his widest grin. “Bottom line is, human-Silurian hybrids have been born before. Certainly not often, what with humans and Silurians usually being far too busy killing one another to get with the... baby-making thingies... but it has happened before.”

“And since when has the impossible ever stopped you before?” He gave her a double thumbs up.

These news stunned Vastra into silent immobility, so Jenny tried to take it from there. “What about the fact that we’re both... of the female persuasion?”

“Ha!” He waved that off like the answer was obvious. “I’m not surprised that doesn’t stop a Silurian female, and it certainly didn’t stop old Vastra here from getting you preggers, now did it?” He paused suddenly. “Hey wait a minute...”

“You know all this. We’ve talked about all of this before.” He blinked at them. “What time is this?”

“Honestly, sweetie...” A fourth voice broke in, exasperated. “I can’t let you out of my sight for a moment, can I?”

The Doctor winced and Jenny jumped as River Song walked in from somewhere to the side, dressed for a party. Only Vastra did not react as River strode up to the Doctor and grabbed him by the ear.

“Ow!” He made a sheepish face towards Vastra and Jenny. “Oops. Sorry girls.” River turned him around and gave him a slight push towards the trolley. “I’ll just be leaving now.”

River rolled her eyes a bit and smirked at Vastra and Jenny. “The only thing in creation that is truly impossible is that husband of mine.” She sighed a little, but it was an affectionate sound. “Right then, you two... remember to tell me about all this when the time comes, and to have me give him twenty minutes.”

“You’ll know when.” River added when Jenny was about to ask. “See you later then.”

With that she turned and marched into the Tardis while shouting. “I’ll drive this time!”

The blue door closed behind her, and all was silence for a moment. Then the door flung open again and the Doctor came rushing out.

“Sorry,” He looked apologetic as he took their balloons and little party hats away. “but you’ll get them right back! In, uhm, in a bit.”

Another mad dash into the Tardis, and this time the great blue box soundlessly shimmered out of existence.

Leaving Jenny and Vastra standing there, staring at a corner of the room in silence, until a tiny tinkle drew their attention. As one their eyes turned to the wobbly green egg in Jenny’s hand.

Jenny blushed, hard.

From Vastra there was a tiny noise, and then the tall, proud warrior simply fainted, sliding to the floor in a boneless heap while her wife yelped in surprise.

Strax stuck his head through the doorway to stare at them. “Did I miss anything?”

Elementary Errors

DOCTOR WHO-fanfic. Vastra does not approve of other people approaching her Jenny.
(MADAM VASTRA/JENNY)

Read ELEMENTARY ERRORS

Disclaimer: Madam Vastra, Jenny Flint and Strax all belong to whomever owns the rights to Doctor Who, of course. Not sure who that might be right now, but BBC for sure at least. Thank you Moffat and co for creating the sword-slinging Silurian Detective and her lovely wife, now please give them their own little mini-series... pretty please? :P
Sort of leads up to the “Vastra Investigates” minisode/prequel to the Doctor Who episode “The Snowmen”.
Also, I know that the real-life person Inspector Abberline is based on was married at this point in time, and that chances are that the Doctor Who Abberline is meant to be as well, but, well, it is a bit of creative license on my part. Hope nobody minds.





Elementary Errors
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by Carola “Ryûchan” Eriksson




Upon their initial meeting, Vastra did not immediately think that Jenny Flint was beautiful. She learned rather quickly that Jenny was different from all the other pink, smelly and generally stupid apes that infested the Earth in the absence of her people, but that was all in regards to her inner qualities, such as Jenny’s intelligence or her bravery – and yes, perhaps her scent as well. Even from the very start, Jenny had smelled divine to Vastra.

The thought that Jenny was beautiful in appearance as well came later, much later, when Vastra was already head over heels in love and rather at a loss at what to do about it. And even then it seemed a natural thing that Jenny was beautiful beyond compare in Vastra’s eyes, and Vastra’s eyes only... what others thought of her incredible human’s appearance did not occur to Vastra at all.

As time passed she began to notice how some people reacted around Jenny, and drew – always later, much later, which was all in all probably a good thing – the conclusion that these mammals were attracted to her Jenny. Her Jenny.

Vastra didn’t quite like the idea. At least no-one dared to approach Jenny that she knew of.

And then... she was approached by that fool of an Inspector.

Inspector Frederick Abberline of Scotland Yard. A respectable man, as human males go, and friendly enough, moderately open-minded and accommodating towards Vastra and her unique situation, yes, but not the keenest mind around. Vastra wasn’t sure in how many more ways she could explain or spell it out to him that she was a Silurian, not merely some disfigured ape, and moreover that Jenny was her mate.

It was after a case solved, the other officers had left and Jenny had disappeared into the house while Vastra and Abberline were wrapping things up in the drawing room. Suddenly the man faltered, glanced towards the empty doorway, and leaned in towards Vastra with a peculiar look upon his face.

“Madam Vastra, about Miss Jenny...” Abberline began awkwardly, looking abashed yet strangely hopeful. Vastra did not understand his behaviour enough to be worried, merely found it slightly curious. “That is, if I may be so bold...”

“What is it, Inspector?” She urged mildly when the man’s speech tapered off again. What about her Jenny?

“Just Abberline now, ma’am, I’m not asking as a man of the law.” He hurried to assure her, for what reason she could not fathom. “About Miss Jenny, ma’am... is she... stepping out with some fellow?”

Confused, Vastra looked towards the door, trying to hear if Jenny was heading towards the front entrance for some reason, but she could distantly hear her rummaging around in the kitchen while singing to herself, so of course not. What did the Inspector mean?

“Ah.” He caught the confused look and tried again. “Does she have a gentleman friend?”

A gentleman friend? Vastra thought that was even stranger to ask. Her Jenny had friends, of course, although those from their own time era tended not to be that close, and then there was the fact that with a few exceptions, Jenny did not really befriend men. So a gentleman friend?

“No.” Was the logical answer, although Vastra supposed that one might consider the Doctor a gentleman of sorts. She wouldn’t want to have to explain that though, so it was better to keep it simple. “No, she does not. Why do you ask?”

Her first ‘no’ had sparked a beaming hopeful look in the man, a rather disturbing sight Vastra thought, and her question made him look bashful, wringing his hands together in front of him while looking at his feet.

“Oh, I realize that Miss Jenny is a fair bit younger than myself, ma’am. And that she is great bit more beautiful than a fellow like me deserves. But...” He glanced up at Vastra and straightened slightly before his eyes shifted away again. “I’m successful in my chosen profession, and I earn a good, honest living. I might not be a rich man, but she would want for nothing, with me, and I’d make an honest woman out of her, if it came to that.”

Frowning deeply, Vastra tried to decipher the man’s meaning. “Honest? Are you saying that my Jenny is somehow dishonest?” She did not notice herself that she had slipped right into her most intimidating mode, glaring at the blushing Inspector. “And what exactly is it that you feel that she should lack or want for now?”

“Ah, no, no.” Abberline backpedalled nervously. “I didn’t mean... I simply meant...” He wiped his hands on the sides of his jacket before straightening it, most likely without noticing it himself. “I meant to say, if Miss Jenny isn’t already seeing a fellow...” He caught Vastra’s look and continued even more nervously. “Fancying a lad...”

“Dating someone?” By the end he was almost desperate, but Vastra’s sudden shock must have been confirmation that she finally grasped what he was saying. “Then I might ask her if she would consider going out with me, perhaps on a stroll and a visit to the new coffeehouse next time I am off from work?”

For a moment Vastra felt as if all the air in the room, indeed all the air in the building, had compressed upon her head, pushing down with force. She had the uncomfortable feeling that her mouth was open and jaw working without a sound leaving her lips. It took a long moment for her to process the meaning of all this and what Inspector Abberline’s intentions were, but once she did she could feel the flames of rage igniting within.

“Or would Miss Jenny be more inclined to accompany me if I ask her out to something fancier?” The clueless man rattled on, not noticing how Vastra’s hand instinctively reached for her sword, only to twitch helplessly as the blade was not there. “I could...”

“She is married.” Vastra blurted, quite without either thought or grace.

“...that is...” The Inspector blinked, the confusion his this time around. “Pardon? What was that?”

“She is married.” Vastra repeated, a little more in control of herself now, but still very much wanting to rip Inspector Abberline limb from limb. “Wed.” She glared at Abberline. “Bespoused.”

“A-are you saying that she is...”

“That she is married.” As she spoke Vastra took a warning step forward, her narrowed eyes a danger that would have lesser men – or at least smarter men – quickly find reason to be elsewhere. “Yes.”

“My word.” Abberline frowned, clearly thinking hard. “Are you quite sure?”

“Indeed I am.” In Vastra’s opinion the Inspector did not look nearly alarmed or frightened enough. She took another step and let her voice take on a steely intensity that by rights should cut the male in half. “Married.”

“Because I think-“

“MARRIED!” Vastra bellowed in fury, suddenly looming over Abberline, so close that the man instinctively leaned back to get away.

Somewhere deep inside his psyche a small frightened mammal was covering before a roaring reptilian predator, and finally even Inspector Abberline was overtaken by the natural urge to run for his life. “Oh good lord,” He muttered under his breath as he scrambled to the door, all sense of dignity forgotten. “oh good lord!”

Vastra whipped around to glare after him as he left, fighting the urge to hiss and lash out with her venom. With heavy steps she followed out into the hallway, but the Inspector could be quite the fast little weasel when properly motivated.

With her emotions in turmoil and trembling from a surge of adrenaline yet robbed of the intended outlet, Vastra lumbered on towards the kitchen and the scent and warmth of her beloved.

“What ‘appened?” Jenny asked as she put a serving tray down on the counter and turned towards Vastra. “I ‘eard such a racket.”

Jenny’s eyes widened as she noticed the state her wife was in, but she didn’t get the chance to ask as Vastra lumbered across the floor, engulfed her wife in her arms, and kissed her ardently.

“Oh!” Jenny gasped after a long, intense moment, and then giggled as gloved hands wandered. “Really, darling? The kitchen?”

There came an answering giggle from the area of Jenny’s neck, before there was a brief nip, and then lips were quite eagerly otherwise occupied.

------------------

“...I fell in love.” Vastra finished her brief explanation, giving her lovely wife a besotted look. Jenny’s smile was small but pleased in response and there was a soft look in dark eyes that promised things, later, when they were alone.

“What, with the Turkish fellow?” Inspector Abberline asked with mild interest, breaking the moment and once again proving his enduring stupidity.

Vastra blinked and Jenny froze, neither quite sure how they ought to react. Vastra had after all only just finished explaining, once again, that Strax was in fact not any kind of ‘Turkish fellow’, so it was perhaps not so surprising that he had failed to notice that Vastra had very clearly wanted to kiss her wife just then.

“No.” Vastra managed finally, her voice somewhat strained. “Not with the Turkish fellow.” She wrapped an arm around her beloved and leaned in, proudly claiming her wife, while Jenny beamed.

For a moment Vastra felt sure he was not going to get it this time either, and wondered if she should simply kiss Jenny. She was after all still a bit sore with Abberline for his intention to proposition her mate. Then the unbelievable happened.

“Oh... good lord.” Inspector Abberline gasped and blinked. “Oh good lord.”

Vastra, immensely pleased, couldn’t contain a burst of giggling laugher at that. Triumph at last.

She lowered her hand somewhat and gently urged her giggling wife away, delighted when Jenny got a little playfully demonstrative herself as they left.

Take that, you silly ape.

Of Love and Weaponry

DOCTOR WHO-fanfic. She might be small for a human female, but the wrath and jealousy of Jenny Flint were forces that not even Vastra would overlook.
(MADAM VASTRA/JENNY)

Read OF LOVE AND WEAPONRY

Disclaimer: Madam Vastra, Jenny Flint and Strax all belong to whomever owns the rights to Doctor Who, of course. Not sure who that might be right now, but BBC for sure at least. Thank you Moffat and co for creating the sword-slinging Silurian Detective and her lovely wife, now please give them their own little mini-series... pretty please? :P




Of Love and Weaponry
--------------------------------------------------------------------
by Carola “Ryûchan” Eriksson




”What, pray tell, are you doing with that?” She asked somewhat warily, watching the petite woman hefting the rather large weapon.

“Preparin’.” Was the terse answer, just barely gritted out from bared teeth as tiny knobs were pulled, switches switched, and various indicators blinked and beeped upon the shiny metal casing.

Jenny Flint was in quite a mood.

“The Doctor gave us that for emergencies only, dear.” Vastra tried again, torn between caution – Jenny’s temper was not to be trifled with, for all her deceptive size, Vastra knew – and amusement and not quite certain what had brought this on. There was a small element of arousal as well, of course, seeing her beloved handling weaponry tended to have that effect on her.

“T’is an emergency.” Jenny growled darkly, dangerously, and not noticing the small smile she brought to green lips. “If that... man” Vastra admired the venom and utter contempt Jenny managed to pack into that one small word. “thinks ‘e can come ‘ere with ‘is filthy words an’ greasy ‘ands... there will be an emergency.” She hefted her much too large weapon threateningly. “A big one.”

A quiet sigh of relief escaped Vastra as she realized that at least it was not she that had unwittingly brought her beloved’s ire upon herself, this time.

“While I agree with your assessment of Lord Collins, dear, and will quite happily have him mysteriously disappear if you wish it,” She flashed a winning smile at the frowning woman, whose expression rather despite herself softened slightly at the sight. “this...” Vastra put a careful hand on one of the barrels. “will take most of our lovely house along with him, as well as a fair chunk of the neighbourhood.” She paused and smirked a little at Jenny. “I hardly feel that this vermin of a male warrants that large a sacrifice from us.” A slight pause. “Do you, my dear?”

A reluctant grunt is her reply, before Jenny has released the weapon and allowed Vastra to deftly pluck it away. She crosses her arms moodily over her chest as Vastra quickly runs her fingers over switches and settings until the weapon is idle.

One weapon neutralized, Vastra thinks as she places it just out of sight in a nearby doorway, leaving it there for Strax to retrieve, and one more to go. And her beloved requires a bit more effort to disarm, and, Vastra proudly admits to herself, is probably nearly as dangerous if detonated.

“Try to endure his presence for now.” She says soothingly to the huffy figure that is currently glaring at their front entrance as if the doors themselves had committed the gravest of offence. “The Inspector has to bring him because of this case, but I doubt they will linger more than they need to. The case is all but solved, and after we are unlikely to cross paths with Lord Collins again.”

“You didn’t ‘ear what ‘e said.” Jenny growled again, causing Vastra to smile at her fondly. “You didn’t ‘ear what ‘e said about you.”

“That he boasted that he would, how did he put it? Free me from the sad solitude of a widow’s life, and add my fortune and London fame to his own? I believe he said something to that effect.” Vastra’s lips twisted a bit in disgust, but she was still more faintly amused by his ignorance than she was offended by his arrogance. She placed little importance to people of his sort anyway. “I overheard him speaking to one of his companions last time we met.”

“You didn’t ‘ear the rest of it then?” Jenny’s dark eyes bored into Vastra’s pale blue ones intently. “You didn’t ‘ear what ‘e said ‘bout you, what ‘e said ‘ed... do to you.”

Vastra blinked slowly. No, indeed she had not heard anything along the lines of what Jenny’s anger and expression suggested, although she could imagine the gist of it, and she wouldn’t have thought Lord Collins to be quite that bold. It wouldn’t really have mattered to her unless he tried something with her in person, at which point Vastra would put him in his place of course, but this... that impudent little man had upset Vastra’s mate, and for that she might just have to make good on her earlier words of a sudden disappearance.

Gently she pulled Jenny to her feet and wrapped her arms around her. Jenny shuddered a little and returned the embrace.

“Be brave, little one.” Vastra murmured into a nearby pink ear. “Today’s meeting will be as short as I can make it, after which he shan’t have reason to come near us again. And if he returns for any other purpose...” She smirked, knowing that Jenny would hear it even if she could not see it. “Well, you shan’t have to cook for me that day.”

Jenny chuckled quietly, as Vastra knew she would, and they drew apart slightly to look at one another.

“They will be here any moment now.” Vastra sighed regretfully, she would much rather have spent the day attending her beloved and her upset feelings, but these little charades with Scotland Yard and the like were, unfortunately, a necessity of the profession they had chosen. Or that had chosen them, Vastra was unsure of which claim would be more true, honestly. “We had best prepare.”

“Alright. I’ll bring the tea to the study.” Jenny acquiesced, but spared one last dark, serious look at Vastra. “If ‘e so much as touches you though...”

Her reply was a tinkling little laugh and a loving kiss placed on the top of her head, before Jenny relented and made her way towards the kitchen.

She didn’t see Vastra nimbly pick up the hidden weapon and on quick and silent feet secure it under coded lock on the other side of the building.

-----------------

It very nearly could have been over and done with without too much of an incident, well, without outright threat of violence at least, but alas it was not to be. Lord Collins, whether emboldened by the presence of the companion he had brought despite the Inspector’s protests, or the generous glass of fine whisky that he served himself from Vastra’s decanter display, decided to act quite... foolishly.

He had, almost from the moment he stepped inside the door, hovered just shy of outright rudeness with his suggestive remarks veiled as flattery. Vastra had ignored him for most part, feigned not to hear or notice his behaviour, or even openly ignored him to instead discuss the case with Inspector Abberline.

The Inspector, while not a bright man by any stretch, had eventually caught on enough to become embarrassed and tried to steer the conversation in a way that blocked any untoward comments. Once he realized that Lord Collins was availing himself to Vastra’s decanters quite unbidden he stumbled through an apology to the ladies present and then attempted to march the other men with him out of the house. It was a good attempt, but unfortunately it failed.

Lord Collins’ companion smoothly managed to derail the Inspector, luring him out ahead of them and allowing Lord Collins to remain behind with Vastra. Jenny was by convention rather forced to see the two men to the door, leaving Vastra alone with the smirking fellow who did not appear to have the slightest clue whom he was dealing with.

To be fair, it did not take long. Whatever was said or done in the study, it did not take long at all until Vastra, her bearing as commanding as it could get and her demeanour forbidding, threw open the door that had mysteriously closed once Jenny and the others had stepped away from it. Lord Collins staggered through it, his eyes wide and his face pale, while clutching at one wrist as if it was broken. Perhaps it was.

His momentum was brought to a halt by the sight of Jenny, lounging in a large settee in the hallway with one leg thrown over the other, wearing the tight pants, vest and boots outfit that might make other people of her era think that she was preparing to go riding.

She was also calmly polishing her katana.

Vastra’s annoyance faded and a small but delighted smile emerged, as the sight of her wife in tight pants and wielding a blade always tended to lift her spirit. It also made her wish she could just toss the annoying ape present through the nearest window, so that she could ravish this lovely woman of hers as was good and proper.

The blade twisted and twirled as Jenny peered down its length, ostensibly looking at its shiny edge. The end of it weaved lazily in the air quite close to Lord Collins, at first directed at his face but lowering with the twirls and twists until, with a few absent-minded jabs, it threatened the front of his pants.

Beaming with love and pride at her wife, Vastra didn’t care if she sounded unbearably smug. “As I said, Lord Collins... I am a quite happily married woman.”

Jenny glanced up at her and smirked, the two of them momentarily locked in that gaze while their visitor, beyond pale by now and with both hands protecting the front of his pants, tried very hard not to relieve himself.

Into this tableau Strax walked, his arms packed to overflowing with knives and blades of all kinds and sizes. “I brought them, as you requested.” He piled all the weapons onto the decorative table, picked up a few that spilled over, and turned to Jenny with an undeniably excited expression.

“Are we declaring war upon someone?” He asked eagerly, glancing from the weapons, to Jenny, to Vastra. “Is it the Moonites? Shall I fetch the grenades and acid fish?”

Then he noticed the man cowering next to them. “A-HA! It must be you, boy!” He quickly glanced at Vastra and Jenny to check if he had gotten the gender right this time. They both smiled at him, and Strax straightened himself a little bit, even happier now. “Are we to declare war upon this disgusting human?”

“Maybe.” Jenny smirked as Vastra gave her a brief mock reproachful look.

Strax’ grin was so wide it threatened to split his face, and he bounced slightly in place. “Really? I mean-“ He cleared his throat, then spun to point a threatening finger at Lord Collins while thundering with a surprisingly cheerful voice. “We declare war upon your House, filthy human scum!”

Vastra and Jenny had explained to him, repeatedly, that Earth was their planet too, so there would be no declaring war upon the home planet of anyone actually living on Earth. On some days Strax even remembered that, and had tried to adjust the traditional declaration accordingly.

Clasping Lord Collins’ shoulder with one large hand, Strax began waddling him down the hallway while loudly and happily extolling the skills and feats of them as Sontaran warriors – forgetting for a moment that neither Jenny nor Vastra were Sontaran – and informing the whimpering man alternately to dread and to look forward to their charge.

“Look at ‘im.” Jenny marvelled as she sheathed her sword. “’E’s so happy.” She looked at Vastra. “Couldn’t we let ‘im blow up ‘is privy at least?”

“Mmm. I suppose so.” Vastra paid not one ounce of attention to Strax or their visitor, she was quite busy staring increasingly hungrily at her incredibly delightful wife. “As long as no-one gets hurt.” She murmured absently, her eyes glued to her wife’s pretty pink lips.

Smiling to herself as she noticed Vastra’s preoccupation, Jenny put the sword aside and began pulling at Vastra’s long black gloves. “What did ‘e do?”

“He spouted some trite nonsense.” Vastra hummed in approval as Jenny removed one of the gloves and started in on the other. “Offered to take pity on my poor ostracized self and rescue me from widowhood.” The other glove came off. “And he grabbed at my posterior.”

The smile vanished from Jenny’s lips. “WHAT?!”

“Well he tried.” Vastra quickly tried to placate. “I believe I may have broken his arm in punishment.”

“Strax!” Jenny shouted, and the Sontaran froze in the doorway, one hand still holding Lord Collins in place outside while the other man desperately tried to flee. “You ‘eard about the privy?”

“Yes!” Strax called back happily. “I will blow it up magnificently!”

“Make sure Collins is close enough to be introduced to the contents, yeah?” Jenny requested evilly while trying to pretend that she hadn’t been reaching back for her sword.

Strax whooped in delight, let Lord Collins go while he howled after him. “LOOK FORWARD TO MY ACT OF WAR, FILTHY HUMAN!”

Then the door slammed, and Jenny and Vastra heard Strax cackling with glee as he ran on heavy feet towards his room to spend hours planning out his attack.

Once Strax was suitably far away and the two of them were alone, Vastra pulled Jenny to her feet and tightly into Vastra’s arms. Jenny wrapped her arms around Vastra’s neck, and then proved the superiority of pants by wrapping her legs around her wife as well.

They shared a smirk and a long, smouldering look before Vastra leaned in and inhaled, deeply, and murmured into Jenny’s ear. “Bed?”

Jenny growled back, playfully. “Bed.”