Read Almost a story... no, really!
Disclaimer: My princess wanted a piece of splooorp containing one fight scene, a piano, one broken lamp and a yellow bath toy duck. It was late, and this is what I wrote... it’s kind of meant to be parody of some of my other stories, but I’m not sure that comes across. :P
Almost a story... no, really!
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by Carola “Ryûchan” Eriksson
First Person Character was walking down the dusty street, her tall, stoic person brooding mightily as she dragged a broken lamp after her.
First Person Character: Brood brood stupid lamp brood brood nobody loves me brood brood lousy childhood brood brood stupid dust brood brood.
Lo and behold, racing from across the street to lean alluringly against the corner of the building comes Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes.
First Person Character: Brood brood never had a puppy brood brood mommy liked my brother better brood brood stupid lamp.
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes bats her lashes.
First Person Character: Brood brood beautiful eyes! Brood.
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes smiles and wriggles her large bosom at First Person Character, who swoons until the broken lamp is all that keeps her upright.
First Person Character stares at said bosom: Brood brood lovely... eyes.
First Person Character:...brood.
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes giggles.
First Person Character falls to her knees in front of Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes with a besotted look on her stoic features.
First Person Character: Oh Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes, I have been brooding all my life but now I see the light and I love you and your beautiful erm eyes and please move in with me we can raise piglets and be happyhappy always and I have no idea why I am dragging this stupid lamp down the street and why is this street so dusty anyways and oh Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes how I love you and I will now recite poetry for you and I...
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes giggles some more.
From across the street, where they just finished putting on their scary and evil badguy makeup, comes three Thugs and one Thug Leader.
Thug Leader: Hey! Here I am to steal away all that you hold dear, and part you...
First Person Character: ...and fair as the morning sun she rose...
Thug Leader: I’m talking here!
First Person Character: Oh.
First Person Character: Brood.
Thug Leader: Where was I? Oh... right.
Thug Leader: I have come to steal all that you have and...
Thug Leader: What was the rest again?
Thugs look through a notebook, and one Thug come up to Thug Leader to whisper in his ear. Thug Leader nods.
Thug Leader: I will part you two...
First Person Character: Brood. Sneer. Brood.
Thug Leader: ...and I will ravish yon Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes and leave you, First Person Character, adrift with sorrow and shame.
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes throw her hands up in the air daintily: Eeek!
First Person Character: Stupid Thug. Brood.
Thug Leader: Leader. That’s Thug _Leader_ to you. And now I shall have my minion Thugs beat you into a pulp.
Thugs do some warm-up aerobics in the background, then place themselves in starting positions.
Thug Leader: Go! Smite her!
First Person Character: Ha! I’m not afraid of you!
Thugs charge.
KICK!
HIT!
PUNCH!
BAM!
WOOSH!
KABOOM!
Thugs and Thug Leader stare at First Person Character, who has knocked herself over while making sound effects with her arms and legs
Thugs and Thug Leader: HA HA HA HA!
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes prettily holds her hands to her face: Kiyaa!
First Person Character pulls herself up from the extremely dusty street and glares at Thugs and Thug Leader.
First Person Character: Give up. Don’t make me use... – Dramatic pause for effect - ...the power of... – another pause – the Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky!
First Person Character triumphantly pulls out a small Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky out from her pocket and holds it threateningly in the air.
Thugs hold their hands to their mouths daintily: Oh no... not the Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky!
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes: Gasp!
Thugs: Run away!
Thug Leader yells after fleeing Thugs: Come back you cowards! It’s just a rubber duck!
First Person Character, smirking: Never underestimate the power of the Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky!
Thug Leader: Grrr!
Thug Leader bites First Person Character’s leg.
First Person Character: OW!
Thug Leader: Grr and grrr again.
First Person Character: Now you’ve done it! I wasn’t going to use the full power of the Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky, but you leave me no choice!
First Person Character kicks Thug Leader off her leg, then holds out the Yellow Rubber Bath Ducky in front of her: Ducky, kill!
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes: Gasp again!
The dust piles itself higher against the ankles of the characters, creating their own little dust cities and considers conquering new land on the broken lamp.
The duck is yellow.
Thug Leader: ...
Thug Leader: Huh.
Thug Leader: Ha! Nothing happened. Like I said, it’s just a...
WHAAAMMMM!
From out of nowhere, a large piano lands on Thug Leader, crushing him. First Person Character smirks.
First Person Character: Never underestimate the power of Ducky.
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes: Admiring sigh.
First Person Character: So... Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes... move in with me?
Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes nods.
First Person Character and Woman With Beautiful and Unusual Eyes start walking back down the street, wading through the dust and leaving the crushed Thug Leader behind. The broken lamp is being trailed behind First Person Character. Just before they turn the bend and get out of sight, the lamp hits something, and First Person Character bends to see what it was.
First Person Character: Oh look at this large bag of money! We’re rich!
And together they walked into the sunset... or at least around the bend in the street.
---the end---
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