Read Under the Red Star
Disclaimer: Based on the anime Mai HiME, owned by I know not whom. Lesbian of course, but then again so are the characters in the show. ;) Set in a moment roughly in episode 17.
Under the Red Star
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by Carola “Ryûchan” Eriksson
I toss my helmet to the side before the bike has stopped completely, not caring where it lands. The journey here was fast and dangerous, but I never felt the wind, never felt the excitement other people do on a motorcycle. I never do. It was never about freedom for me.
I started my journey in the mountain behind Fuuka academy, when the trees gave me no shelter and the view of all of Fuuka laid out beneath me gave no solace. The ominous buildings and paths that are our battleground looked as if painted by blood under the setting sun, and I could bear to look at them no longer.
Instead I have come here, to this fateful twist in a narrow winding road that will haunt me forever. I have come here to stare out over dark and churning waters that once ended the person that was my life, not to honour her or to repeat my oath of vengeance as at any other time I might have done. No, today I have come here because I need to think.
I do not need to look up at the darkening sky to know that it is there… that accursed red star, taunting me, challenging me with all it represents. Sometimes I think I can feel the mark burning on my back, the mark that binds me to it. The red sign that marks me as a HiME.
It has been a long road, coming to this moment. A hard one, and sometimes it surprises me that I still have the strength in me to keep fighting… still have the hate in me to keep fighting.
It has been eleven years now, eleven years since the death… no, the murder, of my mother. If I close my eyes I can still see her at the wheel, still hear the roar of the water as it filled the car around us, still taste the blood in my mouth just as I passed out.
At six years old I was left alone in the world, but I survived. And I grew up hard.
I have neither patience nor inclination for the games that the children that are supposed to be my age-mates play… I fight for real, to find the answers to my questions, and most importantly, to make them pay. The whole accursed lot of them, I will bring that foul organisation down somehow, I swear I will.
Oh mother… why did you research HiME? Surely you knew by the mark on my body that I was one? What were you trying to accomplish… why did they kill you?
Were you… protecting me?
I think you were, at least at the end. Your final words to me say as much, but there are other things, other questions, that leave a sick feeling in my gut and a bitter taste in my mouth.
Why did you name my dog Duran? Did you know that I as a HiME would be bound to a Child named Duran? Did you know all that, and yet continued your research? On the other hand, how could you have known? I think not even Nagi knows what Child will be called to which HiME in the time of awakening… he would not have allowed someone so wilful as Mai possess the powerful Kagutsuchi if he could have prevented it, I’m sure.
But that is not what is bothering me tonight, not really.
If there is one thing besides how to hate the organisation responsible that my mother’s death has taught me, it is not to care about anyone. In the end you lose everyone… in the end, you will always be alone.
Never trust anyone. Everyone has their own agenda and will betray you eventually, if you allow yourself to believe in them. Trust only in yourself, in what you can do, and in the Child that is an extension of your own body. If those let you down it will only be your own damn fault.
The HiME contract, the price we are forced to pay for the power we never asked for, should be no problem for me then. It is simple, if I do not have that one precious, beloved person to value above all else, then there is also no-one whose life will be in danger should Duran and I ever lose the battle. That’s fine then, isn’t it? Just my own life on the line, as always.
Except… I can’t say that I don’t care anymore, can I?
Hell, I’ve even come to the point where I have to… reluctantly and privately… admit that Mai and Mikoto are my friends. Yes, even that annoying little pest, Mikoto, managed to grow on me in the end, but Mai… Mai I respect and, maybe just the tiniest smidgen, would trust to have my back if needed. I wouldn’t admit to it under torture, certainly, but the feeling is there. And ironically, considering how we all met, I know they view me as a friend too.
Still, if that was all there was to it, Duran would be my most precious ‘person’, and there would be no dilemma.
I have ignored it for so long… denied it for even longer. But I can’t afford to lie to myself about you now, can I?
Shizuru.
My friend. Family, even… I can’t really deny that… you have been the only one to look after me, to care about me, for so long. And I have felt at home, at peace, in your presence. The rest of the students at the school wonders why the glorious president of the student council, the uncrowned queen of Fuuka, is so willing to put up with my coming and going at odd hours. My behaviour must seem so strange to them, and your tolerance even stranger.
Yet they have never seen me at your door late at night, never seen you peel me out of tattered leathers to tend whatever wounds lay underneath without a question. Never seen me falling asleep from exhaustion in your care only to wake up, warm and safe, tucked in on your couch the next morning. Never seen us drinking your favourite tea under the moon, talking about everything and anything until sunrise. Never seen that smile grace your lips that I know is just for me.
As frightening as it is to admit, I trust you implicitly. Whatever you asked of me I would do and not think twice about it. You must know this, because you have never asked for anything.
I look at Mai and Mikoto, these friends I somehow gathered on this path, and surprisingly it hurts to see their foolishness. Mikoto is naïve, and whoever it was that raised her obviously taught her precious little of the world or of humanity, and so no-one can really fault her for her inability to properly convey her… affection. She loves easily and greatly, it is a bit humbling to know that so much affection and loyalty is directed even in my direction, as her friend… but her ignorance with emotions leaves her unable to properly express the difference between her love for us, her friends, and her love for Mai.
There is no doubt in my mind that Mikoto truly and deeply loves Mai, far more than the friendship she has for the rest of us. Mai is the centre of Mikoto’s universe and I think we all know it. One day, if they live to see it, I’m sure Mikoto will find a way to state her love clearly enough for even Mai to understand.
Mai… is confused, denying herself. In love with a boy, is she? It would almost be laughable if I didn’t know that she is hurting herself over it. I wish I could shake some sense into her sometimes, yell at her to wake up before it is too late. The person she risks each time she goes into battle isn’t her little brother, and it certainly isn’t that hormonal fool that follows her around. No, silly Mai HiME, I was there the day we thought that building had crushed Mikoto. I saw your face, your eyes when you thought she had died. I heard your voice when you screamed for her.
I have to remind myself that I don’t have the right to interfere in their business these days, as foreign as that concept is to me. After all, they have known one another for only a short time, and who am I to judge? I have kept you waiting for such a long time, Shizuru.
Yes, kept you waiting. You see, my beautiful princess, I am not quite as blind as I might seem.
The tender words, the gentle touches. The looks when you think I do not notice… the innuendo, sometimes incredibly blatant, that you think I will write off as your odd sense of humour… the way you stand so close. They way our eyes meet and draw us closer if I am not careful. The slight blush in your cheeks and the… hunger… in your eyes when you see my naked skin.
The way my heart beats faster when you are close to me.
The fear I have felt when a few brave souls have dared to joke about my sexuality, suggesting in jest that my lack of interest in the dating game must mean I prefer women. How my mortification is ever far worse if it is you that would catch me in an embarrassing situation than any other could hope to inspire.
I have even heard you say my name in the night when your longing became too great, in a trembling whisper for your pillow that lit an answering fire in me. I have dreamt of you too, my Shizuru.
So you see, I am not as ignorant as I have pretended. And I am sorry it has taken me so long to face the truth, but not nearly as sorry as I am that I am now putting you in danger just by feeling this… this… these feelings that I have and am still to cowardly to give the name they deserve.
“The person that is dearest…”
I speak the words of my sentence out loud, allowing myself this moment to fully feel their bittersweetness. My dearest one, the one that means everything.
When I leave this place I must perpetuate the lie, make others believe that I care for no-one even if I myself can no longer believe the lie. I can have no weakness, no hesitation, no doubt, no, none at all. I cannot afford it. I cannot risk that fear or self-doubt will allow myself to be defeated.
Should I fail, should I fall, then you… would be lost. That is unacceptable, far more so than my own death could ever be.
So I will not fall. It is decided… come what may, you will be the only one that can make me fall, so I, Kuga Natsuki, will not and can not fail you. And while there is no time now for talk of feelings, please be patient my Shizuru. Please wait for me.
When the battles are over, if you will still have me, we will have tea in your garden.
And I will tell you that I love you too.
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