Shopping with the Conqueror

Xena Warrior Princess fanfic. A Conqueror parody story, the evil Conqueror Xena, mean kicker of puppies, needed to get something at the local slave market... Has a sequel in "Relationships and the Conqueror".
(Xena/Gabrielle)

Read Shopping with the Conqueror

Disclaimer: Why yes, I do own Xena, Gabrielle, the city of Corinth and whatever else there might be mentioned in this short fic, it's all mine and RenPic and all those other people are just lying to you all, it's mine I tell you, mine! …well OK, allright, they're not mine, sheesh you people are picky! But a girl can dream, can't she? Lastly, this story is a Conqueror parody thing, don’t expect anything serious here.



Shopping with the Conqueror
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by Carola "Ryûchan" Eriksson





Welcome all, and if it pleases you, allow me to tell you a story. It is a short story about a woman named Xena, and how she… But I'm getting ahead of myself, and let's begin this little tale properly, shall we?

Her name was Xena.

She was known as The Conqueror, The Destroyer of Nations, Empress and Supreme Ruler of the Known World, and, because it was generally believed that to invoke her name was bad luck in the extreme, also fairly known as That Evil Bitch.

Of course she had many other names as well, such as She-Who-Yodels-When-Kicking-Ass, Destroyer of Maidens (due to some unfortunate events involving a surprisingly shy Conqueror and a score of smitten, then heartbroken, young maidens with a flair for the theatrical), and of course Honey.

The latter was only ever used by her infamous mother, Cyrene, and a handful of mostly elderly peasants at the marketplace outside the royal palace of Corinth, since disguise was never one of Xena's Many Skills, but no-one had the heart to tell her so when she appeared with a phony mustache and an even more phony accent.

The matter of Many Skills was an oft discussed topic in the Realm, mainly because the Conqueror herself never missed an opportunity to point out that, indeed, they were many. The palace cook would claim that the Conqueror's complete and utter inability to cook certainly was a great skill, given the state of her kitchen after one such attempt of the ruler, whereas the Conqueror's personal seamstress would claim that the inability to wear a dress without it becoming cleaning rags in under five minutes was another great skill. The washing ladies have stated that the Conqueror's ability to get dirty and tear her clothing is one of her Many Skills, although one elderly lady among them would claim that that particular skill in question is one the Conqueror shares with the old lady's great-grandchild. Most people in the palace would say that the Conqueror's ability to wear leather, any kind of leather, extremely well, is perhaps her greatest skill yet, and a certain equine, who for now prefers to remain anonymous, states that the Conqueror's greatest skill would be finding the path that has the most small, sharp rocks that manage to find their way in under every horseshoe, every brushy patch that will leave burrs in one's mane, and an ability to steal half of all the apples intended for the horses in the royal stables.

*ahem* What none of them knows, however, is that the question of the Many Skills spring from a time in the Conqueror's youth, when her brothers would tease her after yet another failure to cook a simple meal, which led to a heated discussion where the elder brother, Toris, claimed that his sister had simply no skills at all. The young girl immediately stated that she did so have skills, Many Skills even, and when she failed to name a few, became the recipient of much teasing for several months. Thus the subject became a sore spot with the young woman, and as soon as she rose to some kind of power she made sure that everyone she had any kind of conversation with was told that she had Many Skills.

No-one ever presumed to ask her to name any of said skills ever again.


Another important fact to know about Xena the Conqueror is that she is not a nice woman. Not even remotely. No, this is the kind of woman whose reputation would make men wet themselves, women faint, and small colorful frogs that spend their entire existance inside exotic flowers high up in the thick foliage of tropical trees have nightmares.

This is the kind of woman who kicks puppies.


Anyway, as our story begins it is about mid-day in Corinth, the weather being slightly humid, and the Conqueror is about to do some slave-shopping at the market square.

The people of Corinth already knows that the Conqueror is on her way, of course, and is setting everything just so to please their monarch: a bit of dirt is strewn about, a few vagrants are strategically placed around the square, and most importantly the podium normally used for poetry recitals is stripped of it's colorful decorations and prepared for the slave trade.

The slave trader, who on weekdays ran a nice little bakery down on the corner of Gauntlet and West Militia (formerly known as Main street and West Thessana), had brought out all the chains and whips that was usually expected of him, and had a nice lineup with rag-tag individuals all chained up and avaiting the Conqueror's arrival.

The fact that most of the people in the lineup were those that already worked for the Conqueror in the palace was a small detail that the Conqueror herself had never noticed, being that the ability to very quickly forget faces was another of the Conqueror's great skills.

On this particular day the Conqueror felt a little pressed for time, and thus hurried through the corridors of her palace, kicking only one or two little puppies as they followed her down the halls, and the Captain of her Royal Guard was hurrying along with some concern. It was very vital for the Conqueror's well being (and thus the Realm's) that they find just what the Conqueror was looking for this time.


Once at the square the Conqueror was soon in deep discussion with both the slave trader and her captain, discussing the abilities of the various slaves on display, and explaining what exactly the Conqueror was looking for at this time.

As the Conqueror answered a question asked her by her captain, the slave trader noticed with no small irritation that the small red-blonde slavegirl at the far end of the chain had once again managed to tear off the dirty grey rags that all the slaves wore, until there was not much left to the imagination as to the exact build of the young woman's body. Frowning he attempted to excuse himself so that he could cover the girl up lest the Conqueror take offence. And he had had such hope for that one. Ah well.

The Conqueror, however, would not be dissuaded, and followed the man towards the young slave.

The young woman's ample bust heaved in its miniscule covering, her wide verdant eyes blinking, as the Conqueror drew near.
"Oh my!" she spoke breathlessly "You are the magnificent Conqueror herself, aren't you?"

The Conqueror was not used to being spoken to in quite that tone of voice (she was, as previously stated, rather shy, and that disastrous encounter with all those unfortunate village maidens had frightened her so badly that she, her reputation to the contrary, preferred to stick to the company of her many puppies), and was knocked off her stride. She was also very embarrassed by both the way the young woman's quite curvaceous body was wriggling about, and the way those green eyes impudently raked over her own form in a manner she could not help but feel was somewhat… inappropriate.

None the less she forged ahead with the day's agenda. "What is your name?"

"Gabrielle, my lord Conqueror." Was the breathless reply. "My, you look so big and strong… and you wear leather so well…"

The slavegirl was actually inching closer to the Conqueror, who was looking even more uncomfortable by now.

"Ahem. Well…Gabrielle. How is your health? Any diseases or injuries that we should know about?" The Conqueror was now looking at a piece of parchment in her hand, mostly in order not to look to closely at the wriggling bosom at close range, since there wasn't actually anything written on the parchment in the first place. But the Conqueror thought it made her look important, so she always kept a piece of blank parchment close at hand for emergencies.

"Why, I'm as healthy as a horse! I'm strong, have good stamina, I'm agile, I learn quickly…" Gabrielle breathed exitedly "…and I'm completely untouched!"

The Conqueror blinked and backed up a step, since the heaving form was dangerously close to invading personal space. Was the woman drooling?

"Oh, I have read about this… in the Kama Sutra…" Gabrielle gave the Conqueror a sultry look as she yanked the chains so that she could squirm even closer to the wide-eyed woman in front of her. "You're going to make me your very own and personal body slave, aren't you?!"

The Conqueror's mouth fell open. Body slave? "Nuuhh, I , ahh…"

The Captain quickly came to his ruler's rescue, clearing his throat a little
"Do you know how to speak, read or write any of the languages of following provinces: Greece, Rome, Britannia, Egypth or Chin?"

"Yes. Well… my hieroglyphs are a bit rusty, and I only know the Mandarin language in Chin, but on the other hand I know the language of Japa as well." Gabrielle answered distractedly as she licked her lips in the Conqueror's direction. "Did you know they often have… erotic… illustrations to their poetry?"

A strangled squeak was all that was heard from the Conqueror, as Gabrielle finally got close enough to discreetly grab two handfulls of the Conqueror's leathers and pull her up against her body.

"You'll use your superior strength to have your way with my innocent, nubile young body!" Gabrielle moaned theatrically and threw her head back while continuing in a loud voice "You'll force yourself upon my helpless, tireless young body repeatedly, in more forms and positions than there are illustrations in the temples of Aphrodite!"

Smoke was practically coming out of the Conqueror's ears by now, especially since the young woman had managed to entangle them both in her manacles in a fashion that forced the Conqueror to grab Gabrielle's rear end in order to keep from falling over. She did, however, try to shake her head vigorously, but by now even the men in her own Royal Guard were whispering among themselves and looking at her disapprovingly.

"Over and over! Relentlessly forcing my pleasure at your hand, until even my great stamina is exhausted!" Gabrielle cried and moaned so all could hear "Making me do unspeakable acts at your whim… tying me to your bed for your sport, using all sorts of tools and contraptions..."

The Conqueror was just about to faint from her fierce blushing, but still managed to wheeze out "This is all a big mis-" as another great wriggle from Gabrielle caused both women (and quite a few of the other people in the lineup) to fall down on the podium.

Xena quickly found herself suspiciously on top, entangled in the arms and legs of Gabrielle like the woman was an earth-bound octopus, her own hands strategically placed on rounded pieces of female anatomy although she was quite certain she had not placed them there herself. She no more had time to take note of these things, much less breathe, before her head was forcibly ensconced into some of the beforementioned rounded parts by eager hands.

Above the din of the toppled would-be slaves could be heard Gabrielle's excited voice
"YOU'LL TAKE ME RIGHT HERE, IN PUBLIC! RAVAGE MY BODY IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE OF CORINTH…"

With a gasp, Xena managed to free her head from the choking grip, and roared to her captain
"Get this OFF ME! NOW!"

To which her loyal, if bewildered, captain immediately had the chains removed from both women and gave the Conqueror a hand in rising to her feet. He did not, however, even attempt at removing Gabrielle from her new position in a death-grip around one of the Conqueror's legs.

"You finish off the rest of our business here, Captain." The Conqueror rasped out as she quickly staggered towards the relative safety of the palace, where she could blush in peace. When the Captain looked somewhat uncertainly at the still-moaning woman attatched to the Conqueror's leg she added "This is just a misunderstanding, I'll have it cleared up in no time, really."

She did not, however, sound very convincing.


As the Conqueror hurried down the palace halls, she spared a few apologetic looks at the assembled puppies who were whining for her attention. She did try to avoid the palace servants though, since her attempts att kicking and shrugging the young woman off her perch had only provided Gabrielle with some new ideas, so now the young slave was joyfully humping away on the Conqueror's leg, accompanied by much vocal enthusiasm on her part and much embarrassment on the Conqueror's.

In fact, from what the mortally embarrassed Conqueror could tell, judging by the sounds emanating from Gabrielle, the younger woman was happily in the throes of her third orgasm by the time the Conqueror hobbled through the doors of her private chambers.

The Conqueror was frantically thinking of some way to peel the young woman off, now that she was in her own quarters (somehow peeling her off with the sharp end of a sword didn't quite seem appropriate), but to her surprise Gabrielle let go just as the door slammed shut.


Since it is, as mentioned above, the Conqueror's private chambers, prudence would require that we remain outside, and not peek into private moments. Eavesdropping, however, is another matter, for now anyway…



*rrrripp*

"Wh-what are you doing? Get those, uh, rags back on right now! I'm the ruler, you have to obey me!"

*thunk*

"Hey! That's my bed! Get off!"

*grab*

"Whu-what are you… let go of my battledress… eeep!"

*scuffle* *rip*

"W-wait! It's all just a m-misunderstandinmmmffffh"

*rustle* *smother*

"*gasp* *pant* Buhbuhbut I was just looking for a…"

*bounce*

"…scribe…" (Spoken quite weakly.)

"Gasp!"

*giggle*

"Oh my!"

"…"



And at that point it would be extremely rude to even eavesdrop, so we slowly zoom out of the Conqueror's palace. In parting it could be mentioned that when the cleaning ladies entered the Conqueror's chambers the next day, they found to their great surprise a very nude, very unconscious Conqueror lying spread-eagle in her large bed, covered only by a handful of small puppies and wearing a large silly smile. And in the bathing chambers adjoining the room was heard the voice of a very happy young woman singing to herself (severely off-key, but that is another story) in the bath…



…I _could_ of course be a naughty narrator, and reveal to you how, later that same day, the Conqueror was seen hobbling down the corridors of the palace with a rather haggard and somewhat frantic look on her face. And how a certain red-blonde young woman came chasing after her and found the mighty Conqueror hiding under a pile of puppies in one storage room, and proceeded to drag the Ruler of the Known World bodily back to her chambers.



Or how after the Conqeror had been dragged back into her chambers, neither woman was seen nor heard from for several days afterward, causing palace gossip to reach an all-time high.

Or perhaps of the time when…

But no, that might just be a story for another day. Until then, I bid you adieu.